top-secret“Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get me.”

I’m not sure who originated this saying, but it does have a certain wry humor. I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, but in recent years I’ve begun to notice some interesting patterns in my life. Since the age of 40 certain occurrences have made me think that maybe “they” are out to get me.  The problem is, I’m not sure who “they” are. They are very elusive and can come from many different directions.

Sometimes they are in the fashion industry.  Fashion magazines announce that certain colors are popular at the beginning of a season.  One season it will be rich hues and jewel tones so I dash out and buy clothes in vibrant colors. The next season they declare that neutrals are the hot look and that beige, taupe and ivory are the  “must have” colors. So I dash back to the store to purchase neutrals because suddenly my jewel tones are so “last season.”  They put out statements like “blue is the new green” or “brown is the new black.” Really?

Sometimes they are shoe designers who produce gorgeous styles.  The shoes are chic, they’re strappy, they’re sassy, but they all have the same problem: I can’t walk in them! 

Some of the styles even have platforms. Didn’t we wear those in the 70’s?  Honey, I couldn’t walk in them then and I really can’t walk in them now. 

Sometimes they are jeans manufacturers. I tried those skinny jeans and found out that for some of us “skinny jeans” is an oxymoron. So I’m done trying to be the new “It” girl.  I don’t even know what “it” is!

Sometimes they are printers who plot to make labels illegible by using fonts so small that I can’t possibly read them – even with my glasses on. They do it on food packages, DVD’s and CD covers. Yep, they’re out to get me.

Sometimes they are technology designers who have managed to downsize everything from computer screens to PDAs.  Even cell phones have more features & applications than ever before.  That’s wonderful except for one thing: I can’t watch a movie on a 3” screen.  

Sometimes they show up in education. Even grammar in the English language has changed greatly since I was in elementary school. Back then I was a spelling whiz with great penmanship. Now those skills are not so noteworthy since it seems that actual writing is quite passé’. Thoughts are communicated in abbreviations like OMG, BTW and LOL.

Sometimes they are mathematicians who come out with new mathematical formulas like “40 is the new 30” or “50 is the new 40.”  Trust me, it’s not – 50 is 50. Mark Twain said “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”  I mind, and it matters.

I could go on but if you’re over 40 you know what I mean. If you’re not 40 yet just keep living – they’ll come for you too!