“Good grief” is a phrase often used by the Charles Schulz cartoon character, Charlie Brown.  When I think of grief, several adjectives come to mind – numbing, overwhelming, debilitating – but ‘good’ is not one of them. For those of us who have walked through seasons of grief, ‘good grief’ is an oxymoron and it is difficult to find anything good about it.

What is grief? Grief is a natural part of life, the normal response of sorrow, emotion, and confusion that comes from losing someone or something important to you. It is a typical reaction to death, divorce, loss of health or a move away from friends and family. We grieve the loss of lives, jobs, relationships….. even our youth.

How does grief feel? Grieving is a very individual process since each person responds differently.  Feelings vary widely and can include hurt, anger, denial, even abandonment. 

How long does it last? It lasts as long as it lasts. The grieving process can take anywhere from a few months to a few years.

As one who has walked through the grieving process several times I would like to share a few thoughts from my experiences.

  • Go through the process. Psalm 23:4 says “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” You have to go through the valley and let the grieving process follow its natural course.  As people of faith we often try to be “super saints” or “strong soldiers.” However, acknowledging hurt does not indicate a lack of faith. As a matter of fact, suppressing hurt can actually delay emotional healing.
  • Grief is mind-boggling. There is a time of vacillation between denial and acceptance.  It can be a real struggle to wrap one’s mind around the reality of the loss.
  • During the grieving process memories can come flooding back at the most unexpected times.  After the initial loss, every waking thought is focused on the pain. Then gradually, you adjust to the “new normal.”  However, like in the song “Always Something There to Remind Me”, an aroma, a movie or even a song can bring back memories.  I lost my father during the month of July. After months of grieving, I was doing pretty well. However, when I saw Father’s Day cards in the store the next June, I was reminded that for the first time in my life, had no reason to purchase one. That was a difficult moment.

How do you comfort someone who is grieving? There is no magic formula, just be sensitive.  Here are a few suggestions:

  • Just be there. You don’t have to counsel, comfort, admonish or cajole – just your presence is often enough to provide support.
  • Don’t offer platitudes (trite or obvious remarks). Phrases like “at least he’s in a better place” or at least she’s not suffering” may be true, but may not be helpful during times of loss.  As people of faith we believe that “All things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28), but quoting that scripture at a graveside, or right after someone has been fired from a job may not be helpful. Timing is everything.
  • Don’t ask a grieving person “How are you doing?” Although we often greet each other with this phrase, it is not easy for a person in the throes of mind-numbing grief to formulate an answer.
  • Just do it! Well-meaning friends often say things like “Let me know if you need anything” or ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?” It can be difficult for a grieving person to articulate those needs. After the death of my father we really appreciated the friends who just showed up and met needs, without being asked. Some brought food; others brought beverages to serve to those who came to visit. One lady even brought toilet paper (with dozens of people dropping by each day, this was a very practical need).  Another family ran a shuttle service, picking up relatives who were arriving at the airport.
  • Remember, that people around you may be grieving.  These are very challenging times and people around us are experiencing many different kinds of loss.  So when someone drives too slowly, or gets in your way at the store, cut them a little slack.  Perhaps they just lost a job, or a spouse just walked out, maybe it’s a foreclosure and they are facing homelessness; maybe they received a terminal diagnosis or lost a loved one in the war. Grief is all around us.

When I think about difficult times I am reminded a song from the musical “Annie” that says “The sun’ll come out tomorrow….it’s only a day away.”  As a survivor of several seasons of grief I can assure you of one thing – it does end.